Baby, It’s Cold Outside.

I wear my boots, my big coat, a scarf. It is still so cold.

I love the way, after walking through the cold for a little while, you feel strangely warm. Its as if the weather is cheering you on, nudging you along as you make your way through it. It brushes your face, cold, tender like the hands of ghost children. The air feels dry, brittle, as if you could break it in between your hands, as if it is the real reason why the leaves crackle when you walk on the sidewalk and the bricks in the ped mall.

   My favorite element of Tennessee winter is the color pallet. The distant mountains and hills are a smoldering dash of purple-gray at the edge of the skyline. The sun is its usual dandelion color and does seem reminiscent of the flower as its petals pour the same brilliant hue onto concrete, passing cars, pedestrians carrying plastic bags. The rays slant through the atmosphere and strike at the tall cocoa colored trees, casting long, skeleton shadows onto empty shop windows and run down gas stations.

 

peace and love, darlings.

[I am safe and warm inside]

My Gospel.

It’s been a long time since I last wrote something here. I’m not sure what it was or when. I’m too lazy to click the link and find out. I’m also afraid that if I navigate away from this page, I’ll never come back and write something.

Certain things have changed recently. One of them is me. There are aspects of myself that have not changed, that I wish would, but now I find myself trying, succeeding. I find myself controlling instinct, which is a nice change. I think one of the key traits that’s kept me in this irresponsible slush I’ve been sloshing through over the past three years has been poor impulse control. That, coupled with the inability to motivate myself, has been quite lethal to any quality plans I’ve had for quite a while.

I’m officially a writing major this semester. I’m on track to get an MFA in creative writing. I’m also toying around with the idea of a doctorate. After I’m done with school, I’d like to work for a little while, until I get enough money to move on and start off new in another place. I want to keep doing this for a few years, preferably writing the whole time. If I ever settle down, then I’ll get a teaching position in a university somewhere. Settling down doesn’t seem like it will snare me too soon.

This whole new implementation of self-control has been rather helpful academically, but even more so in relationships. In the past two months I’ve entered into a few relationships deeper than any I’ve had outside my family this far. The surprising thing is that I’m not as afraid of this anymore. Intimacy is not so scary. Or well, it is, but I’ve finally learned how to navigate through the risk. I think that may be the main good that came out of a failed relationship I had in the spring. Finally accepting that to interact with another human is to risk your comfort, to be close with someone is to sky dive during a WWII dog fight, and to love someone is to throw yourself under a train has liberated me to make the mistakes I was so afraid of making. In the past, I’ve found myself caring for someone. Recently, I’ve finally let others care for me. It’s worth the risk. It most certainly is.

Here is an excerpt from Amazing Grace: A Vocabulary of Faith by Kathleen Norris. This is from a section entitled “Incarnation.”

“It also resonates with my own life. When a place or time seems touched by God, it is an overshawdoing, a sudden eclipsing of my priorities and plans. But even in terrible circumstances and calamities, in matters of life and death, if I sense that I am in the shadow of God, I find light, so much light that my vision improves dramatically. I know that holiness is near.

And it is not robed in majesty. It does not assert itself with the raw power of empire (not even the little empire of the self in which I all too often reside), but waits in puzzlement, it hesitates. Coming from Galilee, as it were, from a place of little hope, it reveals the ordinary circumstances of my life to be full of mystery, and gospel, which means “good news.”

This is where I am right now. “From a place of little hope” I am find more and more that the “ordinary circumstances of my life” are beautiful and sacred and “full of mystery.”

The intricacies of the mundane contain the most profound possibilities, the most astounding felicities.

Hey-o

http://www.webcomicsnation.com/boxbrown/bellen/series.php?view=single&ID=37269

Look at this. It is pretty cute. This is my favorite of the ones that I’ve seen so far.

Ideas.

I like how there is a tiny element of my home life that feels like we are all camping. Maybe it is because I play a lot of banjo music around the house.

Maybe it is because you have to hunt for your own food.  Nice.

So, all my grand declarations of being consistent with my writing have fallen flat. I now think I’ve also finally figured out why. You see, I have dozens of stories I’d like to tell, but I haven’t been writing for very long. Because of acceptance that, right now, I haven’t been writing long enough to be any good, I cannot find it in me to write the stories that I want to. See, they all mean something to me and to just crap them out would be sort of painful. I want to give them the proper treatment that they deserve.

My solution to be anticipation of mediocrity is to reassess me views of it. Why am I afraid of being just OK? Well, see, I think I’m going to just have to give up worrying. I think I just need to work on not being afraid, instead of hoping that one day I’ll just sit down and stop sucking (because that just doesn’t happen). I’m already feeling better and better about it. I just need to be bold and honest. Especially honest. Maybe even honesty about my fear channeled into my writing will do. I just need to start doing something.

I also have a new job at Starbucks. Woo. I guess. I do need to be working. I really need the money.

Track List for New Mix.

I made a new mix early last week of songs that I’ve just been feeling like listening to lately.

1. Alone/Alive–Shapes and Sizes (from: Split Lips, Winning Hips, A Shinner)

2. Rubies–Destroyer (from: Destroyer’s Rubies)

3. I Feel It All–Feist (from: The Reminder)

4. Woodland National Anthem–The Arcade Fire (from: Us Kids Know EP)

5. 1 2 3 4–Feist (from: The Reminder)

6. Young Bride–Midlake (from: The Trials of Van Occupanther)
7. The Decision Made Itself–Now It’s Overhead (from: Fall Back Open)
8. Heartbeats–Jose Gonzalez (from: Veneer)

9. (That’s How You Sing) Amazing Grace–Low (from: Trust)

10. Come To Me–Soundtrack for Memories (unreleased)

11. In The Drugs–Low (from: Trust)
12. Dead-Aid–Gorky’s Zygotic Mynci (from: How I Long To Feel That Summer In My Heart)

13. Your Ex-Lover is Dead–Stars (from: Set Yourself On Fire)

14. Fake Empire–The National (from: Boxer)
15. Feather–Page France  (from: Hello, Dear Wind)

I haven’t accomplished anything today. I did watch A Midsummer Night’s Dream  which was entertaining. I also watched the baby for a while.

I start orientation at Target tomorrow. I also have to call Starbucks about my application and possibly take that job as well.

I want to put up more pictures here.

Boxer by The National

If I’m up this late, I may as well write a blog.

I bought new new album Boxer by The National.  It’s really a good album. It’s one that sort of has to grow on you, but these days, the kind of music that takes time to love is the kind that I end up caring about the most. Some vague statement about well-worn songs being like close friends floats through my head and leaves as quickly, but brings to mind music by The National.

The first song Fake Empire is the reason why I bought this album. I was on my way to a Decemberists’ concert with two Jons I barely knew when one of them said “I don’t know if The National would be as good of a band without their drummer.” This is not something I usually consider, I think the band still has a lot of excellence excluding “da beats,” but their drummer is brilliant, especially in tracks like Fake Empire. The change in rhythm is tricky and they are able to pull it off as if it was child’s play. Maybe to them it is.

Another track I really love on the album is #4 called Squalor Victoria. There are numerous reasons why I love this track, mainly I’d just said that I enjoy the vocals a good bit here. The catchy chorus helps, especially in a band with a different sort of lyrical style and alternative phrasing structure. Also, the drums with the violins in the beginning are fantastic. However, my main love behind this track lies in the beautiful piano. The melody line for that instrument comes in and just adds a new element to the song. It adds almost a curiosity and a spunk that wasn’t in the song before. It becomes more than an Indie Rock chant and more than a Prog Pop orchestration piece. It feels more dynamic and multi-faceted, in essence, more honest because it feels as complex as the humans who wrote it.

I’d love to tell you why I love the song Green Gloves, but I think I’m going to skip to track #6 and tell you about why you should love Slow Show. Songwriting-wise, it is very interesting when non-traditional phrasing is used. Here it comes across with a candidness and a sincerity that it wonderful. The lyrics go from a man struggling with himself, to almost a song of love. The lyrics go from:

I made a mistake in my life today
everything I love gets lost in drawers
I want to start over, I want to be winning
way out of sync from the beginning

and go all the way to:

You know I dreamed about you
for twenty-nine years before I saw you
You know I dreamed about you
I missed you for
for twenty-nine years

The last track I’ll pick on for tonight will be Racing Like A Pro. As I’m tired and I’m sure you’re tired of this blog, I’ll be brief. The melody of this song is very delicate along with the string, guitar, and flute parts and it all contrasts very much with the rough, deep vocals, the mournful brass and the, at times ragtime jazz and at others very classical, piano. Very good.

Overall: this is good. Buy it.

In other news: I’ve been enjoying some Nathan Englander and some Harry Potter. Interesting mix, I’m not really sure why I like to read two or more books at once. I think maybe it helps slack up some of the intensity. I’ve discovered I’m a pretty intense person. And I’m also a very nervous, high anxiety, high energy, jumpy person.

Funny, I always used to think I was laid back.

I found my future brother-in-law’s keys. My niece feels comfortable enough with me to fall asleep in my arms. My own sleeping schedule is all out of its pattern.

I should be writing. I found my old rejection letters today. I remember when I wanted to have enough of them to do some sort of massive decoupage project with them. This isn’t happening. I haven’t sent anything off in over a year. I haven’t written anything I’m proud of or even consider finished in a while, fiction-wise. I did write one decent poem in April thought. That’s way too long ago. I feel like I’ve been on the right track to changing things, but this whole sleep issue has derailed it.

The Day Has Begun.

I have a job interview in one hour and 20 minutes. I am topless in boxers. I am listening to Feist. I am dreaming about three weekends away. I am dreaming about next semester. I am waiting for close relationships. I am finally ready to put in the time.

Instead, there will be no one coming to my door or to talk to me today. I will go out and get a job, because this is what I need to do. And maybe the other things I want will find there way to me if I do what I’m supposed to, what I know I need to.

I only want to spend all my time with my family these days. See, I realise that the same traits in me that cause me to be easily discarded have existed in them for much longer. So we stay together. We are the frienship we need to each other. We love each other because we do. We love each other because we have to.

This is an odd post after so long, but this is what it is.

Feist’s new CD The Reminder is absolutely amazing. Go buy it, it’s worth the money.

The German Countryside

Just to inform you.

In exactly six days I will be boarding an airplane for Brussels. After spending some time in Brussels, I will then travel on to various other cities and countries (five I think) throughout Europe.

This is all for two summer classes I’m taking: Humanities In Europe and Modern European Politics.

I am excited for this, in a way, but not to any noticeable extent. That’s right. You wouldn’t be able to tell in any way how I feel about this impending trip unless I told you flat out and directly.

To come: in my next post, I will write about writing. Hooah!

Love of Wisdom.

Through procrastination, I have found quite a few things that I now want. I’ve been clicking on links blindly for the past hour instead of starting a massive portfolio due tomorrow morning. And I found something I like.

Just to clarify, when I say I’ve found things that I want, I don’t mean in the “inspired to be better/would do anything for” sort of way. This is more in the “that is so great” sort of way.

Here are links. I’m lazy, so this won’t be very pretty.

Shirt 1

Shirt 2

Shirt 3

Shirt 4

Shirt 5

Shirt 6

Shirt 7

Shirt 8

Poetry Pin

Shirt 9      This is so sweet.

Sticker

I enjoy Philosophy.  I cannot explain why. Nor can I understand why there are so few people my age who can engage in a philosophical discussion with me.

Dangers in the Downtown.

On Saturday night at roughly two in the morning, I went with a friend to Wal-Mart. It was relaxing. We fought with fake palm fronds. We contemplated trench dresses and enacted jungle battles with animal toothbrush holders (or at least that’s what we think they were). He tried on little boys’ shirts and we played with toys in the toy aisles.

And something I touched caused me to have an allergic reaction before we ever left the store. I could be one of my known allergies, or I could be allergic to something new. Today, my left hand started cracking. The right one is even worse. The skin hasn’t broken yet, but there are distinct stripes of red irritated skin on the top of the hand. The last time I had a reaction to something on my hands, it burned like ten years in purgatory. The time before, it took my hands five days and a trip to the health clinic plus a prescription to actually get anywhere close to normal.

Here’s what I’m allerigic to:

1. the sap from Elephant Ear Plants.

2. respiratory allergies to Cats.

3. Latex (I found this out from a pair of gloves and a service project).

4. random spores and pollen from random crappy trees.

5. respiratory allergies to Capuchin Monkeys. Not kidding.

6. Some unknown creature dwelling upon the synthetic surfaces of Wal-Mart products and the hands of its unsuspecting victims.

I’m tired. That is all.